The Smile When You Tore Me Apart
by Maz Kazama
Summary: Jonas is tortured by the two people he loves most but why don't they remember? How can he put the past behind him when he's forced to confront it every day? Warnings inside.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: OK, I wrote this when I was in a bad mood and decided to take it out on our favourite Kelownan. It's a hard read but I hope some of you will like to come along for the angsty ride. **

**Warnings: Torture, rape, language, (it's not for the faint-hearted...What? Don't look at me like that! I said I was in a bad mood!)**

Jonas whimpered as he lay, trembling on the cold concrete. There was a heavy metal collar, with a chain attached, around his neck. The other end of the chain looped through a metal ring in the wall of his cell. Jonas shivered, he should have gotten used to being cold by now but the other day they had stripped him of his shirt so that now all he wore were his green combat pants of his SG uniform. They were dressed differently now in flowing robes that made them seem even more menacing, if that were possible. He could feel the cold concrete slabs against the bruises on his side, it was cooling but painful at the same time. It was dark in his cell, usually kelownans had limited night vision but the limited exposure to daylight and bruises around Jonas' eyes meant his eyesight was not as good as it could be. He hurt, every part of him hurt. Jonas began to sob.

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"Jonas." Jonas tensed at the sound of the sing-song voice. "Jonas, you'd better be awake and standing by the time I get in there." Jonas could hear his own heart speeding up as he tried to scramble to his feet. He could barely move his arms and legs he was so stiff from lying in the cold but he tried nevertheless. He had barely made to his hands and knees when She opened the door. Jonas turned his neck slowly to look at her, trying to ignore the pain as his collar rubbed against the bruise on his neck. She seemed so tall, he felt like a child again as he knelt on the floor before Her. She was dressed in robes again, blue this time, her blonde hair, slowly growing out of it's cropped style, seemed to sparkle as the kelownan squinted through tears in his eyes. Her hands were on her hips and she was looking down on him as one might look upon vermin. "Not good enough Jonas!" She hissed and Jonas opened his mouth to speak, cut of mid-sentence as She kicked him in the chest, knocking him back to the floor. He rolled over to face her just in time to receive a slap to the face as she knelt beside him.

"Please Sam…please." He whimpered but the woman paid no heed, flipping him onto his back and straddling his hips.

"Shhhh." She said, quietly, pressing her index finger to his lips. Jonas tried to stop the whimpers of fear as Sam moved her hands to his waistband.

"No…" He whispered, not able to muster anything louder as Sam slowly slid his trousers off.

"No. No talking yet." She spoke, her voice was almost beautiful, almost reminiscent of the woman she used to be, Jonas thought. "You're shaking." The blonde commented and Jonas whimpered again. Was she angry? "I like you afraid." She whispered, leaning in so her mouth was against his ear. "Cry for me." She said with a smile and Jonas' breath hitched. He was beyond crying, he was so afraid he was numb. When he didn't obey, the woman's expression turned to a scowl and she bridged her hands on his chest before digging her nails deep into his skin and raking them down his torso. Jonas threw his head back and screamed as an inferno flared up in his chest. He felt tears well up in his eyes and he let them fall, sobbing with agony. "I said quietly." Sam growled, placing her hand over Jonas' mouth in one sudden movement. Jonas eyes as he began to panic. He hadn't had time to take a breath, he couldn't breathe! Tears continued to run down his cheeks as he tried to concentrate on breathing in and out through his nose. He couldn't, he was hyperventilating. His vision was being to blur at the edge and he felt as though he had pins and needles in his skull. Jonas knew what this meant, he had become all to familiar with it over the months he had been here, he was going to pass out. He welcomed it.

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When he woke again, his underwear was off his body too. As the kelownan crawled around the cell in an attempt to locate his absent clothing, fresh bruises made themselves known on his hips and shoulders. She had broken another rib too. As the kelownan's hand clasped around the soft material of his underwear the alien realised that he was going to pay for his mistakes. As he pulled the pants back on and then started to pull his trousers on he sighed. He had passed out during one of Her sessions, She hated that. By all rights he should love making her angry, enjoy wielding the little power he had over her. But he didn't. Because no matter what she did or who she had become, deep down in that hate filled shell was the soul of Sam. His Sam. And he loved her. That was why Her sessions were so much worse than His. He would beat him until he was unconscious, choke him, whip him and break his bones but there was hate behind that. Just hate, hate that the aliens had put into Him and he could take that. It was Her, when she was nice to him, the way She would play games with his head until he didn't know the difference between love and hate, pleasure and pain. The way she made love to him. Alright, so it was rape but sometimes, when a few hours had passed, he could close his eyes and just pretend that she had made love to him, the way it was supposed to be. Sex fuelled by passion, not hate, not the desire for a Hauk'Taur child, just love. Jonas sat up against the wall and turned to exam his wounds, the cuts down his chest were slowly dripping blood but it was the cuts on his shoulders that worried him more. They were deep and he was worried about infection. He had so far managed to stave off infection and disease which surprised him but he wasn't taking any chances. He had to stay alive, if just to see Her face one more time, he had to stay alive.

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Jonas was sat up against the wall, licking the wounds on his shoulders when the door was flung open. He flinched reflexively, he knew what was coming now. The bright light that spilled from the doorway caused Jonas to screw his eyes up but he knew who was coming anyway. He kept his eyes closed until the door slammed shut and he was trapped with his other tormentor.

"Jack please…" He started, his words cut off as Jack lifted the kelownan up by the chain attached to his collar until his feet weren't touching the floor. Without a word, O'Neill threw his fist into Jonas' face and then threw the kelownan to the floor. Jonas didn't even attempt to rise. What was the point? His defiant spirit had been shattered months ago. Every time Jack's boot connected with Jonas' abdomen, the kelownan's body jolted reflexively. Somehow the bastard managed to angle his kicks so that his boot found Jonas' cracked rib every time, Jonas thought. He was able to think through the beatings now, that was a skill he had honed during his time in this Hell. At first the pain had taken over his mind every time until it was all he could think of, all he could react to, all that existed. Not now though, Now he could lose himself in his thoughts as he waited for the kicking to be over. It was the next bit that was worse. The bit where he would shout-

"Fight back!" Right on cue, Jonas thought and a small, hysterical smile crept across his face. Jonas weighed up his options, what the Hell? Why not fight back? Maybe He would get mad enough kill him then. Hey, maybe he might win. Slowly, Jonas staggered to his feet, just pulling himself upright before Jack's fist connected with his face again, sending him staggering backwards into the wall. As he tried to regain his balance, he swung out with a fist that surprisingly connected. For the first time in months, Jonas felt a flicker of hope. It felt good, Jonas felt a small smile spread across his face as he turned his head to look at Jack's face. Jack wiped it off with a backhand to the jaw. "This is the strength of the Hauk'Tauri?" He sneered and Jonas felt tears of frustration and pain coming to his eyes.

"I'm not a Hauk'Taur!" He yelled, his voice breaking, as he pulled himself up to his full height. "I'm a kelownan and my name is Jonas!"

"LIAR!" The volume of Jack's voice startled the young kelownan and he wasn't prepared for Jack's boot to his solar plexus. He choked in agony for a second before plummeting to the ground. "You ARE the Hauk'Taur! Why do you hide your powers?"

"I'm not a Hauk'Taur." He whispered again, unable to speak any louder due to his lack of breath, "My name is Jonas." Jack growled, kicking Jonas' shoulder until the alien was laying on his side against the wall of the cell. "My name is Jonas." Jonas repeated, his voice merely a whimper. "My name is Jonas. My name is Jonas." He repeated with every of Jack's punches that connected with his tender flesh. He was aware of his vision dimming once again as Jack's boot connected with his head. His own words echoed round in his head as he fell into unconsciousness. "My name is Jonas…."

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Jonas was curled in the corner, trying to ignore the constant ache, it was a pain he couldn't assign to any part of his body as all of his body hurt. The only way to distract himself from the pain was the repetition of the one phrase he had begun to cling onto with all his heart.

"My name is Jonas." He whispered, a tear running down his cheek. "My name is Jonas Quinn and I want to go home…" He could feel the tears dripping down his cheeks now but he didn't care. He gave up all pretences of bravery a long time ago. He wasn't a soldier, he wasn't a Hauk'Taur, he was just a kelownan and right now Kelowna was where he wanted to be, even if he would be thrown in jail. Jail sounded like a heaven compared to this. He wondered if it was day or night, he was unconscious so much his internal clock was pretty much none existent. He knew however, She came during the night and He came during the day. Jonas cried softly, all he wanted was some comfort, he wanted to feel safe. He wanted company but he knew now, company only brought pain so he wanted to be left alone. He didn't know what he wanted.

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"Shhh….Shhh…Don't cry." Jonas awoke to someone stroking his cheek. "Don't cry my little Hauk'Taur." Jonas knew it was Her without opening his eyes.

"My name is Jonas." He whispered to her, his protests making no impact at all. He frowned when he felt a stinging sensation in his upper arm and he opened his eyes, craning his neck to look. He could just make out in the dim light that it was a needle and it was imbedded into his tricep, half of the solution already injected into his system. "Wh-what are you doing to me?" He whimpered, it was suddenly becoming a lot harder to concentrate and he had problems connecting his tongue to his brain.

"Hush…." Sam whispered, her hand tracing Jonas' cheek. "You're going to need your Hauk'Taur powers to get you through this."

"I don't have…" Jonas trailed off as the room started rocking, he felt as if he was being tilted and he moved with the flow of the room, rolling onto his back.

"That's it Jonas…" She said, stroking Jonas' cheek again as his pupils began to dilate and then contract, fluctuating as Jonas began to moan slightly rolling around with what he thought was the movement of the floor. Jonas' head felt like it was numb and swollen but he couldn't seem to form a coherent chain of thought. He could only groan as the foreign sensations assaulted his body and he tried to stop the room looping around him. "Stop resisting." Sam spoke firmly, "Let them go, let your powers go."

"I-ahhh." Jonas moaned, his pupils now only pinpricks as he writhed on the floor. He was sweating, his body trembling so hard it was bordering on convulsions. His chest felt like there was a band around it, making his breaths come in high pitched wheezes. He couldn't focus enough to understand what was happening. If everything would just stop for one minute, just long enough for him to get his head together so he wouldn't be so afraid anymore.

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The beings watched as Jonas writhed on the floor of his cell. They had sent the woman down there, still heavily under their influence. The human brain was easy to manipulate they had found, she and the man had been malleable, their brain chemistry easy to manipulate. The other being however, the boy. had excited them, he was the closest specimen they had found to a Hauk'Taur, an advanced human. If they could just get him to unleash his powers then they could be sure he was a suitable specimen for cloning. The back up plan was to create offspring from him. He had been unwilling to make love to the woman even though they seemed to be in love so the sex had had to be non-consensual. Unfortunate but necessary. As were the beatings, perhaps the powers were a defence mechanism. Their knowledge of these advanced races were limited but only by trial and error could they truly begin to collect data on this fascinating species. Only then would they be able to create the army written in their history. Only then would they be able to defend their planet.

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Jonas couldn't stop shaking, it had taken days for that horrible, nauseating sensation to stop and even now the chemical hadn't fully left his body. It was still hard to breathe and thinking took a lot of concentration. He didn't think he could stand up without throwing up, not that he had anything to throw up, they hadn't fed him for about two days. That worried Jonas slightly, they didn't usually wait that long. Was that their next game, starvation? He was a kelownan, he needed more food than most people, didn't they know that? Jonas began to cry again, if they wanted him dead why didn't they just kill him?

"JUST KILL ME!" He yelled out to the darkness, his chest heaving with sobs. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!" He screamed, giving all the frustration that had built up over the months an outlet, not caring if anyone was listening or not. "JUST KILL ME!" He yelled again, his voice breaking. "You win…" He whispered, he had never given up on anything before, he had kept looking for answers when everyone else have given up, he had kept striving for knowledge when everyone said there was no more to find, he had struggled to prove himself in the eyes of people who believed him a failure but this…this was too much. "Just kill me…" He sobbed again.

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From the way the door was flung open, Jonas knew what was coming. He was however, surprised at the force of it. The Colonel didn't waste any time with cheap shots. He merely picked Jonas up by the throat and threw him straight into the cell wall. Jonas felt his side impact the wall and then nothing but blistering pain as his right arm and leg cracked painfully. They were broken, he knew form the nauseating sensation that they were broken, that and he could see his clavicle poking through his skin. It took his a split second to realise all this, just before he opened his mouth to scream in agony.

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After six days of starvation Jonas felt like he was dying, it took him almost a minute to gather the strength to lift his head to look at his latest tormentor. It was Her again but Jonas didn't care anymore, all he wanted was food.

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"Hungry my pet?" She asked and Jonas tried to force himself not to think of food. He stomach let out the tell tale signs that he had failed. "Would you like something eat?" It took Jonas about two minutes to actually interpret what the woman had said he was so weak and all he could do was let out a whimper and nod pathetically. She gave a cruel smile as he she traced his cheek and spoke one simple, evil order.

"Beg." After about two minutes Jonas' brain had managed to process the order and he turned his eyes, now a dull green/grey to look into her sparkling blue ones..

"Please…." He whispered, his mouth starting to salivate at the thought of food.

"More." Sam ordered and Jonas swallowed, didn't she realise how hard it was for him to speak?

"Please!" He said desperately, tears of desperation starting to well up in his eyes. "Please…I'm begging you." Salty tears began to leak from the kelownan's eyes and he licked them away with his tongue, desperate for anything to fill the gaping hole in his stomach. She smiled, wiping away the wet trails on his face.

"I like it when you cry." She smiled but Jonas couldn't tear his thoughts away from food.

"Please!" He begged, coughing weakly. "Please Sam, I can't do this any more."

"Hmmm." Sam seemed to contemplate this for a second and Jonas let the briefest flicker of hope rise up in his chest. "No, not good enough." She decided, slapping Jonas across the face before turning to leave.

"No, Sam, please!" Jonas called out desperately as his only source of hope started to walk away. "Please Sam, please I'll do anything! Please Sam don't go! No! Sam come back! Please don't leave me! Please, I can't do this any more Sam. Please come back!" He yelled, have sobbing, half shouting. "Please…" He begged again when Sam turned around to face him with a smirk on her face.

"Much better." She purred before turning on her heel and leaving, Jonas' hopes leaving with her.

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It couldn't have been more than hour later when the door opened once more. Jonas didn't care any more, he didn't even bother to acknowledge the opening. He probably couldn't have even if he'd wanted to. His ears did pick up however, when a strange metallic sound echoes through the air and the Colonel gave the order of.

"Eat." Jonas bolted upright, or as much as he could in his weakened state and turned his head in the direction of the colonel's voice. His eyes grew wide when he noticed the plate of…well, he didn't know what it was but it looked edible. His breath coming in shallow pants, Jonas crawled towards the plate, pouncing on the food and eating it with his hands like a starving dog. Within three minutes the whole plate was devoured and Jonas collapsed onto his side, the pain of his broken bones too much for him, to see O'Neill still staring down on him, a look of pure disgust on his features.

"NO." Jonas said thought to himself. "This isn't Colonel O'Neill. It's Them." But even so, he ducked his head in embarrassment as the Colonel glared down on him. This was what he had been reduced to… Jonas felt the blush coming to his previously pale cheeks and he shrank back against the wall. Half ashamed, half afraid Jack was going to give him another beating. It surprised him however, when the door opened again and She came through. They NEVER came together. Jonas whimpered, what were they going to do to him now?

The sudden tremor that shook the room took Jonas and seemingly Them by surprise as well and he fought not to scream as his injured limbs made contact with the wall of his cell as he was jolted backwards. Dust and stone fell from the cieliing causing Jonas to cough, the Kelownan had already discovered how painful coughing through broken ribs was from other beatings but he couldn't help but groan from the after effects as he finally managed to get enough air into his lungs. He looked up fearfully, not sure if he would be blamed for whatever had just happened but the expressions on Their faces was different, confused somehow, a look Jonas had never seen before. Not since before they had been captured.

"Jonas?" Jonas flinched at Her voice reflexively but it was different, something about it was different.

"Jesus…" Jack sighed, taking a few steps towards the kelownan as he shook his head fiercely, as if trying to clear it, looking at the surroundings and his clothes in confusion. Jonas whimpered and tried to press himself further against the wall.

"Oh God!" Sam had her hand to her mouth, tears starting to shine in her eyes. "Jonas…Jonas it's us!" She exclaimed, moving to the kelownan's side. Jonas pulled away, he hated it when she played this game. Acted like it was the old Sam, his Sam.

"Stop it." He whimpered, half crying. "Just stop it." He was starting to cry now.

"Jonas?" Jack frowned as he joined Sam, kneeling beside the kelownan. "Oh shit, Sam, look at his arm." Sam followed the Colonel's line of vision to the white bone poking through Jonas' skin, the wound caked in dried and fresh blood.

"Jonas." Sam started, "Jonas, it's us, it's me." She soothed, "What's wrong?"

"He's scared." Jack commented, stepping back slightly to observe his fallen teammate. Jonas' nose was bloody, his forehead sported a few small cuts and bruises but it was his friend's right side that worried the colonel. His right arm and leg were lying at strange angles to the rest of his body, and there was a huge band of purple and blue across his stomach which indicated broken ribs, broken if not shattered. "Jonas what the Hell happened to you?" Jonas frowned at the Colonel's words, what kind of a stupid question was that? A slow, hysterical grin crept across his face and the kelownan began to chuckle humourlessly.

"Jonas?" Sam frowned before turning to her Colonel. "Sir, we have to get out of here." Jack nodded.

"Yeah, but where the Hell are we? I can't remember anything after we stepped through the 'gate." Jack sighed rubbing his forehead. "Jonas." He turned back to the injured kelownan lying on the floor. "Jonas, what happened, the guys that did this too you, where are they?" Jonas looked up at the Colonel, his eyes were swollen and blood was trickling into them, pain and weakness made it hard to focus and he couldn't see if the Colonel was being sincere or not.

"_Well…" _He thought to himself, _"What do I have to lose?" _Looking up at Jack and Sam he spoke as best he could. "They're right here." He said quietly and Jack frowned.

"Here? In this room?" He asked, looking around. Jonas nodded.

"Jack, he must be delusional." Sam spoke, "He's lost so much blood." She sighed "We have to get out here." Jack nodded, moving to help Jonas up. Jonas saw the Colonel approaching and instinctively flinched away. "Jonas…" Sam started, "This is going to hurt you but it's for the best. We're going home."

"Come on Jonas, it's us, we're not going to do anything to you." Jonas sighed, this was too much. He couldn't do it any more. He was dimly aware of Sam and Jack yelling at him to stay conscious but he didn't care any more. It was time for him to rest.

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Janet Fraiser had worked at the SGC for five years and was pretty convinced she had seen pretty much every kind of brutality enforced on humans possible. But she had never seen a torture case as bad as this. Jonas Quinn was a physical wreck. His face was badly bruised, his right arm, wrist and leg broken, his ribcage shattered. Janet shook her head, he looked so frail and helpless, lost among the wires, tubes and machines that helped him to stay alive. He looked seriously undernourished which only added to the sense of vulnerability. Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter suffered no such injuries and had no memory of anything after they stepped through the 'gate. All of the answers now rested on what Jonas could tell them. Janet was surprised when Jonas' eyes fluttered open.

"Jonas?" She spoke quietly and gently but Jonas flinched at her voice nevertheless. "Jonas, it's okay, it's okay. Don't be scared." Jonas' breathing was jerky and Janet knew it would be aggravating his ribs.

"Where am I?" His voice was almost quieter than a whisper.

"You're in the infirmary." Janet spoke softly, "It's alright now."

"Where's T-Teal'c?"

"Teal'c?" Janet frowned, why would Jonas be asking for Teal'c? "Well, he's on the base, he's been here all along."

"I-I can't stop shaking." He whispered and Janet placed a comforting hand on his unbroken arm.

"I know Jonas, you've got a fever." Janet explained, frowning when Jonas flinched away from her touch on his arm. "Jonas, it's okay, you're safe now." She said reassuringly but Jonas still looked frightened.

"Jack and Sam?" Jonas asked and Janet smiled, she had been expecting that.

"They're fine Jonas, just very confused." Jonas nodded warily, Hammond would want answers, he expected.

"It w-asn't…It wasn't them." He stammered. Janet frowned,

"What do you mean Jonas?" She asked, "It wasn't who?" Jonas opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it, trying to lift one of his arms to rub his eye, yawning weakly. "Okay Jonas…" Janet soothed. "Just go back to sleep." She soothed, brushing a lock of hair from the kelownan's brow. Jonas' breath hitched and he turned his head away from the doctor. Janet sighed, watching as the kelownan drifted into a feverish sleep. "Okay Jonas…" She whispered, "What am I going to do with you?"

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"Well…" Janet started, staring at each of the assembled faces, "Jonas Quinn's injuries are severe but he will pull through. "So far we haven't been able to ascertain what happened on the planet and I don't think we'll be getting any answers soon. Jack frowned.

"Why?" Janet sighed and placed her papers down on the desk.

"Jonas Quinn has a high grade fever due to a severe infection, he's suffering delusions, he's also having trouble breathing." Janet saw Sam biting her bottom lip. "But….he has developed a strong aversion to physical contact…" She continued, "He flinches whenever anyone approaches, he's suffering from nightmares…" Janet trailed off shaking her head. "Look, the top and bottom of it…..he's in bad shape General, and I can't get to the root of the problem until I know exactly what happened on that planet."

"And how do you propose we find that out?" The General asked. Janet shook her head.

"I have no idea…"

**AN: As I said before, I wrote this just to vent my feelings a little so it doesn't have a lot of plot yet. If you think it's worth continuing, please drop me a review and let me know.**


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Yes I am still alive. Sorry this took so long, I've been busy and really struggling with this fic I don't find it easy stuff to write but I try to treat he themes respectfully. Anyway enjoy.  
Warnings: Memories of torture & abuse, aftermath of rape plus anything else I mentioned last chapte (it's been so long I don't remember!)**

Major Samantha Carter bolted upright in bed, her chest heaving and her body damp with her cold sweat. Despite the fact that this was becoming a regular occurrence it still took her a few moments to awaken fully and gather her bearings before she swung her legs over the bed and rubbed her eyes. The digital clock flashing 3:14 am informed her that this was another addition to the sleepless nights she had been suffering since her return from the planet. The major knew from experience that she wasn't going to get any more sleep that night and she sighed as she changed into her uniform not even having to think about where to go next.

After five years of serving at Stargate Command and many more in the military before that, Samantha Carter wasn't easily scared. However, the sight of her lover looking so weak and injured was enough to terrify her. The Kelownan's skin was pale which only served to make the dark bruises on his skin stand out even more. He had lost a lot of weight and, lost in the maze of machinery and tubing, he looked as small and vulnerable as a child. Coupled with the troubled expression that haunted the Kelownan's features, even as he slept, and the quiet, pained whimpers that showed his distress, it was hard to believe that the man lying in the SGC infirmary was the same vibrant, innocent Kelownan scientist that Sam had fallen in love with.

"Another nightmare?" It was only the fact that Janet Fraiser's voice was gentle and quiet that prevented her from jumping in surprise. The Major sighed tiredly and squeezed the bridge of her nose before adding;

"…Yeah." And, as the doctor opened her mouth to speak, adding; "And I don't want a sedative." The flash of hurt that flashed across the petite doctor's face bothered Sam but weeks of sleep deprivation can make a person somewhat irritable and she didn't apologise; choosing instead to turn back to the sleeping Kelownan.

"Well you know it's only a matter of time before I order you to take one." The Doctor smiled lightly as she pulled a chair up next to the Major and Sam was mortified to find tears trickling down her cheeks.

* * *

Jonas cursed himself in his head as he flinched when Teal'c entered the room. He knew Teal'c wouldn't hurt him. He knew enough about the Jaffa's code of honour and the fact that Teal'c had never once caused him pain _should _have been proof enough that he was safe around the older man. But mixed in with those memories of a happier time were newer, darker memories. Memories that proved that the fact that people had been nice to you in the past was no guarantee that they wouldn't turn on you in the most painful of ways in the future. On some subconscious level Jonas knew that Sam and Colonel O'Neill wouldn't have done to him what they had of their own free will. Yet that part of his mind just wasn't accessible to him yet as he lay on the infirmary bed, the cocktail of chemicals numbing his pain and his thoughts, and his brain still struggled to break the association between human company and pain.

"I have no intention of harming you, Jonas Quinn." The Jaffa spoke with a voice that sounded far softer than one would have expected. "You have no need to fear me."

Jonas simply nodded in reply. Speaking was such an effort he chose not to if possible. And, even though he knew he should, he didn't want to talk about what had happened, in fact he wanted to forget it had happened at all. Of course, being Kelownan his photographic memory made it impossible and he could remember every detail of his torture with perfect clarity. The Kelownan shuddered at the memories and turned to look at Teal'c, wanting any sort of distraction from the nightmare in his head.

"Doctor Fraiser informs me that you have not been eating." Teal'c started and Jonas fought the urge to roll his eyes. Of course he didn't feel like eating, he'd spent weeks being starved only to be fed through a drip for almost a month, was there any wonder his appetite wasn't normal?

"M'not hungry." The Kelownan whispered back in reply and watched as Teal'c gave a small half-smile.

"That I find most difficult to believe."

And Jonas knew something about that was supposed to be funny but he struggled to remember quite what.

* * *

"I don't want to!" The voice was weak but the undercurrents of panic were easy to detect.

"Alright, Jonas. Aright, calm down." Janet's tone was calm but inside she felt like screaming. The situation was horrible enough with Jonas injured and traumatised like this, she didn't need Colonel O'Neill on her case as well. The man seemed to be everywhere she was, always wanting an update on the Kelownan's condition, always asking her if he could visit yet. Janet had tried to explain to him that Jonas wasn't ready for that but she didn't believe that the Colonel truly grasped the depth of Jonas' terror.

"Please…" Jonas' eyes were wide with fear, his pupils almost pinpricks in a sea of white. "Please don't make me."

"I'm not going to force you, ok? I told you, nothing's going to happen that you don't want to, alright? He won't visit if you don't want him to."

Jonas' only response was a tiny, terrified nod, barely detectable amongst the tremors that wracked his body.

"Alright…" The Doctor sighed again, more to calm herself down than Jonas, hating the fact that that 'alright' seemed to be the only word in her vocabulary these days when the situation was about as far away from 'alright' as anything could get.

"He misses you, you know?" Janet watched Jonas' expression intently as she continued to gently press the issue. She knew the Kelownan was traumatised and frightened but she also knew he was one tough alien and her experiences with PTSD had taught her that sometimes people needed a little coaxing to come out of their safety zones. Green eyes blinked once and then opened wider, if that was possible, and she could see Jonas frown weakly in a mixture, surprise, confusion and suspicion.

"I…" The Kelownan's voice was a mere whisper and Janet had to strain her ears to hear it but she still felt a leap of joy and even the one stammered syllable. This was the first time Jonas had spoken to her without being asked a direct question.

"If I tell you….something…." Jonas voice was quiet and had an almost childlike tone to it which put Doctor Fraiser immediately on edge. "A-a secret." The Kelownan continued, licking his lips nervously, "Then you wouldn't tell anyone else…" a pause, "Would you?"

"Of course I wouldn't." Janet kept her voice gentle and kind despite the fact she wanted to grin her head off because Jonas was **finally** showing an inkling of trust in her. It was still a long way from the smiling bouncing Kelownan she had seen disappearing through the Stargate three months ago but **anything** was an improvement on the terrified shell of a person that had returned in his place. "You can tell me anything you want to, Jonas." She continued after a long silence, worrying that Jonas had perhaps lost the tiny glimmer of courage he had had to work up to even ask her that basic question. The reply was only three whispered words but Janet had to stifle her gasp as her heart pounded in her chest at the response and her damp hands started shaking.

"He hurt me…." There was a long pause and Janet tried to pull herself together, she had to for Jonas'sake, but the next words broke her heart all over again. "They both did…"

* * *

As she walked into the infirmary Sam was delighted to see Jonas was actually awake this time. She could see that the Kelownan had heard her enter as he turned his head and strained his eyes towards the doorway.

"Hey, Sleepyhead…" Her voice was soft and gentle, almost as if she feared that speaking too loudly would ruin the moment. The Major forced herself to think about how desperate she really was when the fact that her boyfriend was able to stay awake and look at her was a cause for celebration.

"Sam…" Jonas' words were quiet and hoarse and Sam had to remind herself how weak he was. He had started shaking at her approach but The Major sat down and held his hand regardless. "A-are you…" The words were stammered and quiet with an undercurrent of fear which made Sam nervous but she couldn't help smiling as she heard her lover's voice. "…Are y-you alright?"

"Oh, Jonas…" She could feel her eyes brimming with tears and she rapidly blinked them away, not wanting to loose sight of her lover. "I'm fine…" She said softy, mentally adding;

"_If you count nightmares, frequent insomnia, near constant crying, nausea and amenorrhea as 'fine'"_

"I-I missed you." Jonas' voice was hesitant and nervous, almost as if he was testing the water but Sam was too relieved that he was actually speaking in a conversation to notice. "I wanted to see you before but…I was-"

"It's alright…it's okay." Major Carter's free hand moved up to Jonas' face, stroking his cheek lightly. It was only when she felt wetness under her finger tips that she noticed tear tracks on the Kelownan's face. "Don't cry…" She murmured softly as she saw Jonas' eyelids drooping. Even though she selfishly wanted to keep Jonas awake and talking she knew he needed his rest and she smiled a little as she stroked the young alien's hair before flinching back, as if burned, at the Kelownan's next, mumbled words.

"But…you like it when I cry."

* * *

A full three months after he had last seen Colonel O'Neill, Jonas was as nervous as he had ever been. Well…maybe that was an exaggeration, waiting for the Colonel to beat him into unconsciousness back on the other planet had been far worse. He shuddered at the memory and felt Teal'c's hand squeeze his shoulder reassuringly.

"_Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it." _

The Kelownan chanted over and over as the memories began to flood in one after the other. He longed to squeeze his eyes shut and cover his ears with his hands, like he used to when he was younger to block out the sounds of bombing and screaming during the great war, but he knew he needed to keep _some _semblance of composure. Jonas figured something in his body language must've given away his anxiousness as Teal'c assured him;

"I will not let any harm come to you, Jonas Quinn."

And Jonas wanted to believe that, really he did. But Teal'c hadn't been there to save him last time, had he? For whatever reason, he'd remained on Earth instead of going on the mission. The Kelownan knew it was irrational to resent the Jaffa for this but nothing about his life was rational any more. The other worlds that had once held such wonder for him now held no interest whatsoever. The manuscripts he would wrack his brain for hours trying to solve now seemed nothing but distant echoes of a man Jonas could barely remember. Now the thought of stepping offworld filled him with dread. Hell, even being in this room filled him with dread. Everything seemed to make him afraid these days.

He was therefore surprised that when the grey haired Colonel finally appeared in the doorway to his hospital room his only reaction was a stifled, ragged intake of breath. What the Kelownan couldn't see however was that the small amount of colour he had managed to gain through his recovery had drained away in an instant, leaving him almost as pale as the bed sheets he lay on. Equally, he wasn't aware that his eyes had widened so much, his pupils were only slightly larger than pinpricks and that ever since he had laid eyes on the man stood in the doorway, he hadn't blinked once.

The reaction from Colonel O'Neill was equally as distressed. He'd remembered seeing the kid beaten and bloody when he'd snapped out of whatever the natives of that planet had done to him but, after months without seeing the kid, he was able to imagine that maybe it had just been his mind playing tricks on him. Jonas probably wasn't as hurt as he remembered. Now, months later, faced with the cold reality of the severity of the Kelownan's injuries, his coping mechanisms failed one by one and it was all the usually confident Colonel could do to croak out,

"Oh…God…" The Colonel took a tentative step forward, "Jonas…" The suspicion and fear in the Kelownan's eyes was heartbreaking. Even when working in Black Ops, Jack O'Neill had never had someone look at him the way Jonas was looking at him now. "I'm not one of them." It was probably the least appropriate thing he could have said in the circumstances and he could see Teal'c raise an eyebrow in what he assumed was disapproval. It was therefore a shock when the Kelownan spoke quietly, with a worrying undertone of hysteria

"I know _that_."

"You know who I am, right?" The Colonel asked and it was more of a genuine question than an assumption. He'd heard from Doctor Frasier that the Kelownan was becoming more coherent but he couldn't think of any reason, other than an altered perception, as to why the Kelownan would be so afraid of him to the point of point blank refusing to see him. He acknowledged that he'd be harsh with the kid in the past but certainly not to a degree which would cause the borderline nervous breakdown he was witnessing here.

"I think so." The Kelownan's shaky reply brought him back to reality, "Or I…I think I used to."

Jack wondered if those words held a deeper meaning of if Jonas' experience of torture and captivity had already pushed him over the edge into insanity. He'd seen it happen before in war zones to men who had suffered a mere fraction of what it appeared Jonas had gone through. On the other hand, Doctor Frasier and even Sam and Teal'c had told him the Kelownan was getting better and their reports certainly hadn't portrayed the young alien as the shivering, cowering wreck he saw before him. They'd said he'd been afraid, naturally, with a severe case of PTSD but that they'd seen improvements since he had arrived.

"What do you mean?"

The Colonel spoke as if on autopilot, his words reflecting only a fraction of the turbulent thoughts vying for attention in his mind. There were several conclusions he could draw about what had been happening to Jonas while he was barred from visiting and none of them pleased him. There was the possibility that Sam had been lying to him about the Kelownan's state but Jack knew this to be unlikely. In the days, weeks and months following their return from that God forsaken planet Sam had been, understandably, far too self absorbed in her own fear and misery to worry about sparing anyone else's feelings. If anything Jack had thought it had helped her when she had spoke to him about Jonas' state, sparing none of the details. The second and worse possibility was that this really _was _an improvement and maybe he'd misinterpreted what Sam had told him about his younger team-mate's condition. However by far the most terrifying thought and, in his eyes, the most likely conclusion was that the Kelownan was having a severe and frightened reaction just because **he**, Colonel O'Neill, was in the room.

"I…I can't talk about it."

The Kelownan's voice sounded panicked and strangled, an abrupt change from the almost catatonic subdued tone he'd been using just a few seconds previously and Jack knew then that he wasn't going to get an answer to the question he most wanted to know – if Jonas really was regressing into such a panicked state simply because the Colonel was in the room, then what the Colonel really wanted to know was _why_? What he didn't know was that it wasn't simply Jonas who knew the answer to that question. And, as the Colonel took his cue to leave from worried glances cast in his direction by Sam and Janet perhaps some of the defence mechanisms in his exhausted mind were still working as his memories of the time spent on the planet remained firmly repressed and his brain didn't even consider the real answer to his question.

* * *

At first Sam had assumed that the vomiting and amenorrhea were simply her body reacting to the emotionally stressful situation she'd found herself in. The weight gain, well, that was easily explained by the nights she'd spent in the chair by Jonas' bedside munching on chocolate and crisps partly to keep herself awake and partly for comfort and as for the mood swings, she'd have imagined that _not _having mood swings would have been weird for a woman in her situation. So at first she'd laughed off Janet's suggestions, albeit with a hint of hysteria, and simply tried to ignore what was happening as best she could. Now, as she sat on the toilet staring at the device in her hands with two blue lines staring back at her she was thankful that she had done so much crying earlier in the day otherwise she would have broken down into yet another fit of sobs. It was as if fate had a sick sense of humour bringing her the situation she had longed for for so long but in the darkest and most perverted of ways at a time when her life was already crumbling down around her and she had no Jonas to hold her and reassure her it was alright. In just a matter of minutes, two blue lines had done something no Goa'uld, Replicator or anyone else had managed because for once Major Samantha Carter had no idea what to do, feeling frightened, out of control and completely alone.

"It's not his, it can't be his!"

Janet watched as Sam paced the floor of the infirmary office, one hand repeatedly running through her hair, the other drumming nervously against her thigh. It was as if the blonde Major was trying to express too many conflicting emotions at once resulting in a confused mish-mash of behaviours that didn't seem to represent any feeling in particular.

"You know that better than anyone." The Major continued, agitation giving way somewhat to desperation as her tone turned to one of pleading and miserable confusion.

Janet nodded in response to the Major's statement, "I do" she agreed, and it was true.

The first time she'd seen the results she hadn't believed them. Maybe, in hindsight, she simply hadn't _wanted _to believe them but either way she had run the tests again…and again, and every time she had received the same results. Jonas Quinn was infertile. For a while she had simply sat staring at the readout and then she had cursed quietly, _"Dammit" _but that was the only moment of anger she had allowed herself. It was ridiculous, of course, but she couldn't help but feel guilty. After all, if she hadn't run the test, none of them would be any the wiser. But eventually the logical side of her brain kicked in and she knew she was no more responsible for this than anyone else on base. The only people to blame were Jonas' superiors on Kelowna who had forced their workers to work all day every day in close contact with radioactive material with very little protection. It was a wonder that infertility was the only side effect they had found.

"_So far." _A voice in her head had hissed and although her immediate reaction had been to scold herself for being pessimistic she knew there was a possibility of there being more problems in store for Jonas. Still, even at her most paranoid, the doctor could never have imagined a situation like the one she had been living for the past few months.

"Oh God…Janet they must have...must have…"

Sam's tearful, panicky voice brought Janet out of her thoughts from a miserable memory into the even more miserable present. There was no need for Sam to even say what she was thinking aloud, which was probably a good thing since she didn't seem able to, as Janet was thinking exactly the same thing.

"_Rape." _The word even _sounded _ugly. A fitting word for a disgusting crime and it made Janet's skin crawl just thinking about it. The petite doctor could barely even imagine how Sam felt, knowing she had been violated like that when even _thinking _about it made Janet herself feel sick. The usually calm Major was crying and shaking, which was to be expected, and her arms were wrapped awkwardly around her torso. It was as if she wanted to comfort herself but was too afraid or disgusted to touch her own body.

"Sam…Sam we can't jump to conclusions…" Janet tried to force an element of calm into her voice. She wiped away the film of moisture that had descended over her eyes and thrust her hands into the pockets of her lab-coat, hoping her friend could not see them shaking. She would not cry, she told herself, she couldn't afford to go to pieces now. Yet, Janet still knew she was _way _out of her depth in the situation. This wasn't something that could be solved by just a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on, Sam was going to need immediate, professional help. Still – if she couldn't help with the mental effects this was having on her friend she could at least deal with the psychical symptoms – she _was _a doctor after all.

"Take some deep breaths." The Doctor ordered gently. "In and then out...that's it." Sam's breathing gradually slowed and the sobs became less frequent. It was a testament to the Major's military training and self-discipline that she was able to hold herself together. "Jonas needs you to stay strong for now, okay?" Janet continued, hoping that Sam would, as usual, put Jonas' needs before her own.

"I-I…I need to see him."

Janet wasn't sure whether Sam was talking to her or just speaking her thoughts aloud but by the time she had opened her mouth to suggest that it might not be the wisest course of action, Sam had already left.

**AN: So i guess you were probably all expecting more but I'm really trying with this, I promise. Thanks for reading.**


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